Tupac Shukar embraced the plight of many single mothers with his smash hit song, ‘Brenda’s Got A Baby’. In the song he penned the all too familiar scenario of a young, unwed mother struggling to make it in the world. The Black American community has reached a point where over 60% of all newborn’s are birthed by single women. White America’s unwed mother’s numbers are at 20% and steadily rising. It is very easy for society to point a finger and give a disapproving glare toward the women that have to endure the pregnancy and commitment of raising these children, while at the same time making excuses for or completely ignoring the absent fathers. As a married father of two, that was initially a single father of one, I am amazed and a bit disgusted by this double standard that is our reality. As far as responsibility and implication, both the male and female that come together and conceive a child are equally culpable. But due to the biological realities of fetus development, it’s a lot easier for the male to pull the ol’ ‘disappearing act’ than it is the female. Being a member of the ‘other’ side of the fence, gives me a wider perspective of the dynamics involved in the traditional ‘double standard’ household. It really doesn’t matter if you’re the sperm supplier or the egg producer, it really all comes down to assuming the responsibility of raising the child(ren), to the best of your abilities.
Once you get married and have children, the common Southern Bible Belt protocol is to act as if both you and your wife were virgins until the day you got married. It doesn’t matter whether that’s true or not (99 times out of 100 its NOT), this is all about ‘appearances’ for your children and other impressionable young folk. Behind closed doors, the ‘men’ folk always give each other elbows to the side and a wink and laugh about the wildness of their past youth…
Hey David! How many girlfriends you got boy? None? What the hell is wrong with you?? Boy, when I was your age I had a girl for each finger and one standing behind each one of them ready to get a chance!!
Of course, a lot of men exaggerate and lie about their past prowness..but that’s not the point. The point can’t be seen until a closer examination is paid to how young teenage girls are similarly treated. Instead of the same kind of encouragement and understanding for their attraction to the opposite sex, ‘ladylike’ reservation was the unwritten rule…
You don’t need to be out there running around chasing them ol nappy headed boys! Girls need to be focused on their schoolwork and home duties and not be so HOT and ready to run the streets! Have your fast tail home by 12, cuz ain’t nothing open after 12 but legs!!
Societal structure was actually encouraging me and other young guys to have as many girlfriends as we could handle (‘It’s perfectly normal for guys to get them ‘some’ from time to time’). Contrarily, this same structure strongly discourages young ladies from being too ‘friendly’ with the boys. I used to sometime wonder, ‘What kinda girls do they expect me to ‘get’?’ If they were all strictly ‘ladylike’ and homebodies, I’d never be able to ‘get’ anything.
This accepted ‘double standard’ is a socially indoctrinated way of life for many people, not just on the Southside or even just in the South..but in the global scheme of things also. An amazing case in point is the recent story of a Nigerian unwed mother that has captured worldwide attention. This divorced mother, Amina Lawal (pictured), was sentenced to death by stoning as punishment for having an adulterous relationship. Since her baby girl was born over a year after her divorce, the strictly traditional Islamic Shariah Laws called for this archaic punishment for her indiscretion. The real tripped out part about all of this, was that the presumed father in question was released and not charged with anything. Amina insists she did nothing wrong and that the man who fathered her child made a promise to marry her. He did not, leaving her pregnant and with no support. The man said he was not the father, and three male witnesses testified he did not have a sexual relationship with Lawal. The witnesses constituted adequate corroboration of his story under Shariah law, and he was freed. Instead, all of the blame was placed on Amina and her stoning sentence was only delayed until her baby was old enough to be weaned from breastfeeding. Fortunately the world community was very vocal in the rebuke of this primitive and exclusionary punishment. There were boycott’s, letters of formal disapproval and many news crews from around the globe following this trial closely. The Shariah Court of Appeals ruled on Thursday that Amina’s conviction was invalid because she was already pregnant when the Islamic Shariah law was implemented in her home province. So in a way, she was ‘grand fathered’ out of being convicted and sentenced.
The American reality is that although there aren’t any physical stones thrown at these unwed mother’s, the backbiting and gossipers that verbally berate and ‘look down’ upon them can cause a proportionally amount of damage to their psyche and feelings of self worth. Truth be told, there are MANY more women that regularly do all the things it takes to GET pregnant but due to birth control and God control, they just don’t happen to conceive. And then there are those that conceive, but have no problem using an abortive procedure as a means to ‘cover up’ their accidents.
Now that I am a father of both a girl and a boy, I have to prepare both of my children for their inevitable journey into this circle of life. I’m going to teach both of them the same thing my father taught me, “Boy..when people have sex they make babies.” I’m sure they will experiment and grow into their own sense of sexual awareness just like anybody else. But no matter what happens, I want them to know that I will always love them and no matter how dire their mistakes may seem, they should always follow the mantra of another Tupac favorite of mine, you gotta ‘Keep your head up.’
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