Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Love and Respect


Like I’ve said before, it was because of the pressures that life put on me, through my marriage and all the things that go along with it, that made me thirst to know the Word. I needed order in my life, because I felt like my wife wasn’t listening to me and I definitely wasn’t listening to her. But once you get IN the marriage, one of the first things you realize is..

#1 You can’t make a grown person do shit.

I know men who literally lock their wives in the house every time they leave, just like I know women who will clown and slash tires and break out car windows cuz their man ain’t doing what they want them to do. Fortunately, my wife and I never fell to those depths, but we have had our rounds of power moves that usually set off a cycle of punches and counterpunches with both of us jockeying for position. But somewhere in the midst of our struggle, I realized that life is waaay too short for us to be having to deal with all this bullsh’t with each other. We had fallen into the familiar rut of keeping score, I did this, so now it’s your turn to do this. You didn’t do that, so now I’m not go do this.

Some people try to work it out with that 50-50 meeting in the middle, but that sh’t never worked for me. Because first of all, who’s to judge?? We all come into the marriage with our own preconceived notion of what it’s going to be like and invariably, once you get IN to the relationship, it’s different than what both of you thought it was going to be like.

So then right where you’re in the midst of laying in bed at night realizing you’re sleeping next to a crazy mf, that same person is on the other side of the bed (if ya’ll are still sleeping together at this point) realizing that they’re sleeping next to an ignant az n’ga.

My brother in law explained it to me in terms of Love and Respect. If you ask a woman which would she rather have out of love and respect and the woman is most likely to choose the love. But if you give a man this same choice, he more than likely wants the respect.

So then you have a cycle that starts with a woman not getting the love she wants from her husband, so in retaliation she starts withdrawing her respect and once the man feels his authority or power has been disrespected, that’s when he starts withdrawing his love and before long the cycle can become so vicious that the next thing you know there’s a big chasm of pain.distrust.anger.fear that separates the two. That’s when you start fantasizing about a time machine to take you back to your wedding day so that if you could do it all over again, when that preacher said, ‘Do you..” you would instead change your answer from “I do.” To “Hell nawww!!! I DON’T!!”

But of course, we don’t have a time machine, and we can’t change the past, so you have to find a way to deal with your situation. Divorce IS an option, cuz sometimes people feel like they just made a big mistake and they need to reshuffle their hand. But I don’t think you should head to that Big D, until you have at least attempted a sincere effort in following God’s plan for marriage. And to do that, you’ve got to first acknowledge Him as the head of your life.

But that’s the problem!! My ignant az husband don’t even GO to church or read the Bible, all he does is go to work, watch Sportscenter and go hang out with his ‘boys’!! My daddy TOLD me not to marry that n’ga and I should have listened!!!

Don’t listen to her D!! She always want to make it seem like I’m the bad one..yeah, she go to church and all, but just look at her!! She ain’t trying to do sh’t to please me!! All she want to do is lay up on the couch and watch TV all day, dirty dishes stacked in my sink a mile high, dirty clothes all over the place! She like to looks and dress fly when she go somewhere, but if somebody looked in her closet or saw how she kept this house, they’d know she was a nasty mf!! If my mama saw how my wife…

Whooaaa right there!! Now of course, everybody has their story to tell about how they’ve been wronged in the marriage and of all the shortcomings their spouse may have. But before we get into that, let’s look at the ground rules that the Lord laid down for a MAN and a WOMAN in marriage from the beginning.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

See, there’s some key points to be gained right there..first, you gotta leave yo mama and daddy. There’s a lot of marriages being dictated and influenced by outside sources like overbearing mother-in-laws. But God’s plan is for the husband and wife to function as one unit..’they shall become one flesh’. This doesn’t just mean in the sexual sense, this is a much deeper union and commitment, because you’re taking two unlike creatures and you’re joining them together as one.

Invariably, there’s going to be some interface problems, but the first step is realizing that there is no more you and me, all there is is ‘us’. Too often resentment has already set in so deep, that both sides are looking sideways at each other frowning up like the other one breath stank..

I don’t want to be ‘one’ with that ignant n’ga!!

That girl crazy! I ain’t trying to be ‘one’ with her!!

But once you realize that there is no ‘perfect’ husband or ‘perfect’ wife, then you can start working on those areas which are prohibiting you from being on one accord. Cuz one thing’s for sure…life is much too short than to be going through it miserably married..that ain’t fresh. So once you realize that for whatever reason, God HAS joined you two together as one flesh, then you realize that you’re going to have to get it together or leave it alone. Some people play the game and go through the motions, living in the same house as strangers just because they’re too prideful or afraid to do anything else. When people ask how they’re doing, the most common response is,

We doing alright.

Alright huh? You okay with alright? Or are you serious about being all that you can be and living your life to the fullest? Cuz no matter what is going on in your life, your money can be rolling, your job can be fulfilling, your children can be giving you joy, but if you’re not happy at home? Guess what?…you ain’t happy in life. So at some point you’ve got to realize that God does have a blueprint He meant for us to follow and when we adhere to the guidelines that He set forth, you have to have faith in Him to lead you through even the most throwed off marriage.

People can deny Christ all they want, but they can’t tell ME Jesus ain’t real, cuz I’ve seen Him reach in and save marriages through the midst of financial strain, gunfights, verbal assaults, infidelity, drug abuse and all those pitfalls that the devil puts out there to destroy the family structure. Because if the family structure crumbles, that’s when our society as we know it crumbles. That’s why you gotta build the foundation to your house on that Rock ya’ll..He’s the only Way.